bitter...helpless

hello there...
how are you today?
feeling good? feeling alright? or are you feeling bitter & helpless?

kalau di Sinar FM hampir setiap pagi DJ-DJ tu ajak pendengar bercerita mengenai EMOSI.
contohnya, apakah emosi anda hari ini? adakah anda berasa gembira? terharu? sedih?

marah? ceritakan dan kongsi bersama kami di Sinar Pagi. Dail 03-95432000 atau layari www dot sinar dot fm.

kekekeke...i was trying to imitate DJ HO & DJ Rina..not so much a fan of them, i prefer to listen to Salih Yaakob...dia tu mmg kelakar...secara semulajadi.entah bila agaknya dia akan kembali ke Sinar FM.

so what do i want to talk about?
i am about to reveal the gloomy reality about me.

i may be smiling a lot but the truth is i may not be smiling at all.

been in a lot of stress and pressure lately,in fact, been in a lot of stress and pressure always..
i don't know if i could take it.

i'm not sure if the people in my office noticed, but they keep asking me,"Wana are you ok?",
"Wana how are you?", "Wana are you feeling alright?" ..the usuals.

i feel stuck and i can't get out.
i can't forget the past, i am very much stagnant in the present, and i can't seem to move forward either.

i am very much trapped in my own history.

it is making me sick...and it is eating me up within..pretty slowly but surely.

i always keep forgetting things, i can't even complete a simple task, i frown a lot and shed tears often.

i keep telling me to get a good grip of myself.. to let things be and learn to fogive & forget.
to be strong and to be un-affected whatever may be.

but i couldn't.
i cannot forget, and i certainly have not forgive.
of course, if you can't forgive how can you forget right?

i keep putting the blame on other people or situations when things went wrong.
i am angry to the people who had made me so sad.
i cannot forgive them.

so much regret, so much remorse inside me.

one of the reasons i joined climbing is because i want to runaway.
i want to get all these regrets,stress, pressure and anger out of my system.
when u climb u don't think.
your brain will only concentrate on your body to survive.
it keep telling your body to keep going or else you'll die up there hehe.

i just ceased to think about life when i climb.
it just feel good to be able to finish the climb, to reach the top and to savour the beautiful surroundings.
it helps me to recap how wonderful life actually is.
it helps to jog my memory how much joy life could offer.
it helps to remind me to be thankful for the things i have, and not to lament over things that i don't have or have lost.

i told the person who often invited me to climb that i wish to climb again this week.
i don't like going to work and don't want to go to work.
but he just laughed and said..."kalau time kerja kena lah kerja".
ermmm...i think what he's trying to say is "you have a life to live. you have to go to work,you've got to spend time with your family. bila time aktiviti baru la aktiviti".

hehe..betul tak? it's just that i find it difficult to breathe.
the only thing that keep me looking forward for everyday to pass by is climbing.

do i feel better now?
for a moment yes.

my office mates just asked me to go to lunch but i refused. i just want to be left alone.
but when people pass by me & say hi i will definitely smile back and say hi... (^_^)
susah gak duduk dekat dgn pintu..semua org lalu pass my cubicle...mcm receptionist pulak...tak suka orang ramai lalu depan my desk..tapi apa nak buat.

i had been tagged by Ajie and Pia..tapi tak dapat bukak lah Tag tu sbb kena block..nanti2 lah ek when i get the chance..

wish you'll have a good day.